Seven days ago, a digit in my age changed. Everyone asked the age old question, “So how do you feel?”.
I felt no different physically. I spoke no differently than I did the day before. I am the same person.
However, (to respond to that age old question asked on every birthday), I have to take it back to last year when my view of you was different.
More than a year ago
The last time I graced you with my quirky writing was more than a year ago. 2015 was a comedic commentary of grave matters that impacted my life directly and indirectly. In those moments, I assure you, I did not laugh. In retrospect, however, I cackle like there’s no tomorrow. You and your people make life interesting at best, World.
I struggled with reaccepting the fact that death is a part of life. I danced in the rain with death knocking on the doors of some loved ones and breaking in on others. I learned of deaths and near death experiences at least once a month. The victims were all people who have had positive takes in the movie of my life. Coping turned into “just being”.
I was tired. The daily mental reruns were of my father and my uncle (who died years ago) and all the other loved ones who recently passed. Those were followed with the reality that they’re gone forever in the flesh.
I was filled with negative energies as I tapped into the part of me that could sense wicked people by their very presence. I allowed parts of them in. It was hard to let them go as I focused solely on hating them and playing the tit for tat game with them.
I found myself riddled with jealousy as my family members, friends and colleagues unlocked chapters of their books in the forms of tiny humans and significant others. This happened while I was being labelled as the one who’d become the career driven and academic lady. You know; the over achiever who’d never unlock those chapters.
Then it dawned on me. Candice was indeed being ungrateful. She forgot that life is about living and dying; often times on purpose but some times through the unexpected. I then decided that I should celebrate each person, celebrate them as much in life as in their deaths.
That glass with water analogy? It should be seen as having something in it and that it’s grounded on a surface. Using that point of view enables me to acknowledge and understand that it’s not what you’re given that’s important. It’s what you do with it. There’s something in the vessel, Candice. Make good use of it.
Celebrating me 🎊
In the past year, I’ve earned my second degree, I was employed to actually do want I studied to do. In the past year, I looked death in the face and learned to respect him or her (whatever gender death has), I became more grateful for the life I’ve been given. In the past year, I have kept my ability to read negative auras and I have learned how to cast them away. In the past year, I have celebrated persons in my life like I would in their death. In the past year, I have grown to love myself more.
Self love 😍
The best love is self love. The past year has re-taught me that self love is all about being at peace with myself and making the necessary changes that make my life a positive one. I have re-learned that there are no losses in life, only experiences. Self love is about celebrating my wins and learning from every experience.
Unlocking other chapters : 🔑
And, as far as unlocking the other chapters are concerned, I have re-learned that the key to unlocking those chapters is to know myself first. I need to know myself and I need to love myself before trying to find others.
So. To answer your question, World and people of the World, I feel more beautiful and more graceful. The feeling developed over time, not the day before my age increased by one. The scars of life are what make me more beautiful than I already was. It is the scarring of life that has allowed me to move gracefully through the muck.
I’m not saying that I don’t revert to negative energies or that I forget to celebrate myself. I am saying the growth I have experienced makes it worthwhile because there is more to come and I know my beauty and my grace will increase.
How do I feel? I feel like I have grown.
Signed with love,